Pain, pain, go away! Come again…well, never actually.

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It’s not easy living with chronic pain. I had a disintegrated disc last year which, before I was operated on, managed to get my sciatic nerve caught between two of my vertebrae, leaving behind a Gordian knot of frayed synapses. This was the culmination of a previous unsuccessful microdiscectomy and a work schedule that is far from being conducive to a healthy spine.

Most days, the pain hovers around a five or a six. Yeah, I know. That doesn’t sound like much but imagine that the five or six is there for every single second of the day and night. It starts to feel a lot worse.
And then there are the bad days. The pain will get to a seven or an eight – sometimes even a nine. And those are the dark days. The really dark days.

The days when the handfuls of schedule 6 painkillers I take twice a day seem to have all the effect of half a kiddies Aspirin.
The days when the pain is an angry, red hot, malignant ball of hateful, spiteful malice and it becomes all that I can focus on. All that I can see.
The days when I look at a full box of sleeping pills for a few seconds too long and have thoughts that I should never, ever have.

That’s the problem with chronic pain. It never really leaves you and then starts to take over other parts of your brain. My memory is shot. On most days my motivation is non-existent and my ego and self image have taken a huge knock.
“I’m a man damnit! Suck it up. Deal with this!!”
It’s easy to doubt yourself when even the simplest of tasks becomes an agonising chore and being a functioning, active member of society is an onerous task.

But there are always two thoughts that keep me going. Two thoughts that stop me from taking twenty or so sleeping pills with a shot of Jacks. Two thoughts that will not allow me to surrender to this monster I battle every day.

I am a husband.
I am a father.

And those two thoughts are enough to get me through.

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6 thoughts on “Pain, pain, go away! Come again…well, never actually.

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through that, Simon. I have zero words of wisdom, I don’t live with chronic pain so I won’t give you useless things like “find the silver lining”. But I do know that in the face of shit, we just have to keep. moving. forward. XO

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is heart wrenching and beautifully written. I have been there in the land of pain so white hot it hurts to breathe!!! I had a bulging disk and 6 months of recovery while raising my 2 year old (at the time)
    son. I feel for you and your chronic pain and I commend you for being a strong husband and amazing Dad. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I fully understand every single bit of this. I have degenerative disc disease. The total in my back is 6 herniations, 4 bulging & 8 inflamed. There are bone spurs growing along my spine preventing the discs from sliding back into place, relieving the constant pressure on my compressed nerves. Meds are a joke because they cause a physical dependance which only changes the remaining nerve endings to grow more sensitive to pain. But I cannot let my disease define me, control me, or limit me- emotionally or mentally, I can only persevere for I am a mother & a wife. I hope that you continue to find balance with your diagnosis &, better yet, science discovers a fool-proof way of solving spinal cord/spinal nerve pain permanently!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can totally relate… with the degenerative disk disease, fibro, and a spinal cord injury where 5 of the 7 disks in the c-spine are slowly crushing my spinal column. Last time it was checked, my spinal cord was 33% flattened. This also doesn’t include bone spurs, both shoulders need surgery, both knees need to be replaced & the middle & lower back with the herniations & pinched nerves. I was on heavy duty pain meds for over 10 years and moved from NJ to SWFL. The move helped – a lot! Then I lost my mom 3 months after we moved here. My mom was a prescription pain pill addict. I weaned myself off all the meds bc I didn’t want to be like her, and I never abused my meds. I’d have extra’s when it was time to see the pain mgmt dr.. I live in a constant 5-7 pain level with it spiking to 10 or higher. I’ve had days where I just lay still & cry. Most days though, like you, I push onward & upward. I don’t have to work. I can collect SSDI if I want. I refuse. As long as I’m able to sit at my desk at home & my arms & mind work, I will continue to work from home. There’s no way I could work in a “real” office bc I’d have too many days where I can’t even change out of my pj’s, lol. Thanks for sharing your journey. Sending positive thoughts & love.

    Liked by 1 person

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